I’ve always heard there are “stages” of grief. This is so untrue, at least for me. My therapist also says this is kind of a misconception. I’d prefer to call it “rapid cycling.” Basically this means that I feel 16 different emotions all very intensely within a matter of 10 minutes and this continues on repeat. There are emotions that stick around longer than others, such as disbelief. That one is pretty constant. But here is a summarized version of my rapid cycling:
- Anger: This one is generally pointed at my situation, not a particular individual. I have anger that this has happened.
- Sadness: This one is where I basically realize things that are no more. This could be from drinking coffee on Saturday morning by myself, waiting for a text, realizing plans we had are over, etc.
- Unfairness: This one is where I draw comparisons to why us and not someone else. I know plenty of absent fathers, why is my kids stellar father not here? I know tons of men who are insensitive and indifferent to their wives, why mine and not theirs? Why did Jesse’s car accident result in death when thousands just get a scratch? No one deserves this. Period. But I cannot help it.
- Hysteria: Crying and acting crazy. So maybe I am sitting on the tub crying as loudly as possible and yelling at the ceiling. I hate hysteria because I am generally reserved and practical. Maybe it is falling to my knees in the yard at random or laying in your dirty clothes crying.
- Heaviness: This one feels like someone has tied 20 pound weights to every centimeter of my body. Not to kill me, just to make the pressure unbearable.
- Uncomfortableness: This one basically feels like my skin wants to turn itself inside out. I feel like my body is going to internally combust in a matter of seconds.
- Indifference: Not to what happened, but to life. Cat vomits in front of me? Oh. Think we will leave it there. Coming from someone diagnosed with OCD/OCPD, I cannot stress how abnormal that is for me.
I may come back and update this list or make a new post as my feelings change, but at the moment this is what I am experiencing.