Category: To be Sorted

This is where I live now, in-between extremes.

A current life because of my past life. And an enthusiasm for it because of despair.

In one version of myself I have a beautiful life.

I have my dream career. I have outpouring support. A fiance who adores me and treats me like a queen. Four amazing children. I have hundreds of quality friends. A beautiful home and a new car. Peace.

I am surrounded by people who allow me to be me and love who I am. I live so intensely. I have never been happier.

But, then there’s this other version of me… where my life is plagued by hardship.

I am working towards my dream career, but I do so while I babysit an addict. I don’t have support, I am often ostracized. My children don’t understand what’s going on. Why are people talking funny? Why is there constant fighting? I have lost contact with many friends, I am too busy keeping tabs on my spouse. I think something bad is going to happen and I cannot shake it. I want a home but everyone is telling me its a bad idea. Our car keeps breaking down, it has no handles on the doors. We cant afford to fix it. Chaos.

I am surrounded by people who think I shouldn’t do anything, go anywhere, be anything. My ideas are shot down. My spouse dies. I have never felt such pain.

These polar opposite situations are both mine. One past, one current. One with addiction, one without. One with death, one without.

So since they are both me, it leaves me feeling split in half constantly. My life changed drastically in an unfathomable way. Then less than a year later, significantly changed again but in an amazing way. The second me is in the past but she still exist in the future. I can’t just rid myself of the hurt, but I do actively face it everyday so it is less.

Regardless of good or bad changes- they were both equally terrifying as it demonstrated yet again I control nothing.

Past me definitely tried to control situations:

I knew it was just my anxiety, Jesse would be fine. Right?…My thoughts of him dying were just worries. Everyone said anyhow.

Wrong. He died. Drastic change.

Then I tried to control current me without even realizing it:

I knew I would rot after his death, I couldn’t even breathe most days. I would never be happy again.

Wrong. I flourished. Drastic change.

With these drastic changes I have become one person with two lives. I still try to control things but these two events are reminders I really don’t control much.

My two lives are completely opposite. One is unhealthy and the other is healthy. They coexist since his death and it does feel weird, I am just getting used to it.

I never thought I would see flowers grow from cement, but they did. The cement and flowers both exist at the same time. They do not cancel each other out.

When I am in grief group and asked “On a scale of 1-10, where are you?”

I can reply “0 and 10” and I am not lying.

I am able to feel intense sadness; then almost immediately bounce back to pure joy. Prior to his passing, I generally just felt one group of emotions at a time (sad ones or happy) but now I can feel intensely sad and happy all within seconds. And you won’t even see my face change. I interchange grief and gratitude frequently.

When I go to widow meetups. I feel so lucky to call these people friends. But then I remember the price I paid to join that club. Very unlucky.

I am so proud of myself for creating one of the only, if not only, active widowed and pregnant support groups. But I had to sacrifice something so large to try and help someone else.

I love my line of work in personal injury and wrongful death (currently paralegal, when I get my license attorney). I literally get to use my pain to advocate for others. I DO know the despair they feel. I actually love that I know it so well, to me that means they will get authentic support and justice. When I advocate for them, in a way I am advocating for past me. When I was early in my grief and confused… disoriented, wishing someone had all the answers. Wishing someone knew what to do for me. It is the most bittersweet of feelings and opportunities. I get to be the guidance I desperately prayed for.

I love that I finally get to travel. My fiance and I took a trip to California. It was perfect. I had never felt the feelings of having no stress- but I did with him on that trip. I woke up every day so thankful to be there, to be able to see the beautiful scenery with my eyes. To live.

And then the wind blew a certain way around me, and my body sunk. And I stared into the valley. How is this fair…. Or even real? How am I standing here having the best damn time of my life… how am I the happiest I have ever been but you are dead? How is that?

That sounds disgusting when I read it back.

Truly.

But I am not happy because Jesse is dead, I am happy because I am alive.

I always heard the phrase “live like you were dying,” and I thought that was an appropriate way to live. But no matter how hard I tried to do that, I can easily say I never got close.

I had days where I felt the sun on me and was thankful to be able to feel it. Days where I saw leaves changing colors on the northern trees and thought they were breathtaking.

But I never had my feet touch the ground while I was mowing the grass and begin to cry. Cry because I was able to experience how they felt in dirt. I was able to touch a lawn mower and push it. I was able to feel desire to do a chore. I was able to physically move in the way I needed.

This gratitude I feel is completely different than how it used to feel, and I want to keep it. I love it.

I wanted to scream and tell people how lucky I am to mow grass. But obviously I would look insane, so I’ll just write it permanently on the internet instead.

But the gratitude is not without the grief. It always catches me with the worst timing. That’s what I mean when I say I can feel on top of the world and drowning in the ocean at the same time.

As I stand there and feel so lucky about whatever menial tasks I was given another day to do, it always directly juxtaposes itself to this ugly leech of a thought I have.

“Jesse is dead.”

“He didn’t get to do anything.”

It whispers to me every second of every minute. That thought is just another blink or breath from my body. It never leaves. It is thick permanent black marker etched in my brain.

“He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead.”

A relentless silent sound.

I often hear we “carry” grief with us forever, but the word carry implies I can put it down. I can’t ever put this down, not even for a second. It’s a permanent extension. It has just become natural.

I experienced the slavery of grief and was able to turn it into the freedom of joy. Some days I am a prisoner and other days I am liberated.

It is an abnormal normality that leaves me feeling ambivalent. I love what it gave me but hate it for what it took away.

For now as I go into a third year of grief, this is how I feel. It changes. It ebbs and flows. What I say today may not make sense or be relevant tomorrow. It does as it pleases.

It doesn’t matter though.

No matter how much cement it lays down the flowers will always find a way to stay.

Credit for photo above: https://viola.bz/plants-that-never-give-up/#google_vignette

How many times have you seen someone lose someone & get a sum of money. Then you see them go on vacations, get plastic surgery, buy a new car or just “blow” it? How many times, honestly, have you seen that and judged them in your head? Surely you would know what to do with the money right? You know far better than they do, the person suffering. You deem them reckless and judge their decisions.

I am writing this because I am sick of people not understanding the correlation between grief and money, and why any idea a non-griever has about it is likely wrong. Money does not bring your person back, but it helps you not rot. It does help you stay alive. I’ll explain.

I received two larger sums of money, one being half of a life insurance policy and the other being a GoFundMe. At the time, I didn’t give a shit about either. I was so happy people were expressing their kind words & support, but I couldn’t get happy over the money like I would have if my husband had been alive. It felt like a trade that I did not consent to. I felt like my husband was a sacrificial lamb. It felt gross to get it.

Until I needed it.

I paid my mortgage for nearly 9 months- so I was able to do something “good” with it that was obvious to everyone. But not everyone can do that, and that is totally okay. It really is. I would say half of the money I put to good responsible causes, the other half I literally blew. And I won’t fucking apoligize for it- and if this applies to you too, stop feeling guilty. You deserved any second of happiness or distraction in that horrible time. If you blew every cent you got, yeah you realize later it sucks, but know that more importantly, it kept you alive during a raw disgusting time. You still have to live, even if you don’t want to.

When your person dies, you are overwhelmed. It’s chaos. People are having to make very big decisions, very quickly, and under so much stress. Then you plan their funeral. You pick the flowers, the colors, what they will wear, what you will say. You are so occupied nothing matters.

Then you get home and you realize, there’s nothing left. This is your new life. It will be like this forever. There is nothing left to plan and they will never come through that door ever again. Everyone resumes their normal life, they have to, but yours is all fucked up.

And that’s when you realize you did need it.

People do not realize how quiet it is for a griever or how lonely they are. It is not realized how many times they want to call their mother and tell them something, but then they realize they have to keep it in- because she isn’t here, no one is going to care the way she did. People do not understand how quiet it is when you lose your spouse. My house had 4 children, one being a baby, and I swear I had the most quiet home in the world. I hated it.

So instead of sitting and thinking and sulking, we got up. I asked the kids what they wanted to do. We weren’t already blessed with unlimited funds, so if I didn’t get those prior funds, we would have had to sit. You can only go to a free park so many times. And don’t get me started on parks- the last thing we all wanted to see was a dad smiling and pushing his kid on the swing.

One day we decided to go to Barnes & Nobles. I am using this example specifically because now that I am no longer immersed in raw grief, I’d likely not do this, but at the time it was needed.

The kids walked in and I told them they could have whatever they wanted. Any book, any toy, as much as they wanted. So my bill came out to $900.00. Something I wouldn’t and couldn’t do in my regular life- but my regular life was gone.

In our new life, we realized we do not have time. There is no longer “oh in 5 years we will…” or “maybe one day we will buy that!” We have no idea when our time is. Knowing this fact and it being so in our face- some days I just let the kids have whatever they wanted. We realized how short our time was and there may not be a tomorrow.

I have seen people critized for this too: “spoiling children,” after they experience loss. Except this rule doesn’t apply when they have lost their parent, asshole.

They literally lost 50% of themselves and they deserve to have that made up by any means available. They are not regular children; therefore regular rules do not apply. Buying them each $300 worth of items didn’t fix the permanent hole in their heart, money will never do that, but it did provide a distraction. I was upfront with my kids and told them we wouldn’t always do this- but for now, we would do whatever any of us wanted. It didn’t matter what we spent, we needed the distraction.

Money should be given to grieving people. Grieving people spending money should be left alone and not judged. They need distraction because their life has just become horrible. If they are able to get up (which is a chore in itself) they will need something to help them.

The first month, perhaps longer, I could not get out of bed. I woke up and after I realized every single day it wasn’t a nightmare, it was reality- I was upset I didn’t die in my sleep. Every day I literally had to sit and think of a reason to get up. On the days we didn’t have to be anywhere, that was especially difficult for all of us. Having money helped all of us move. We could go somewhere.

One such distraction we did was a trip to Seaworld. I was going to let the kids buy whatever they wanted in that park, but we didn’t even make it to one ride. One of my kids absolutely lost it. So we went back to the hotel, wasted a super expensive ticket and just sat on a tablet for hours.

But it didn’t matter, because we got up and moved. That was the most important thing, even if it meant we “blew” money.

Money matters to a griever because they likely don’t want to eat or have the energy to cook.

Before my husband died, we made a complete dinner from scratch every night. After he died, none of us were hungry. The one time a day we felt as though we were starving (because we weren’t eating) the last thing we wanted to do was cook a full meal- which in itself was so triggering. So we ate out, almost every day. So expensive. But the most important thing was that we ate.

Not every person grieving gets a random sum of money, but they fucking should. It should be a known thing that if someone dies, you give them money, literally so they can blow it. If they don’t blow it that’s great, but if they do just let it be.

Today I donated money to a family that experienced a loss. When I was doing it- all I thought, was I hope they spend this however they see fit. No matter how ridiculous it looks, because I don’t care. I saw my donation not as some self-righteous gift with hopes that they will use it in a way that I deem appropriate, but rather as hope that the small amount might give them a reason to get out of bed. That when they finally decide to eat, they can reserve the little energy they have and just order something. That I kept them alive for another hour, because they had to do something, whatever that something is for them. That they might be able to a buy a 15 minute distraction with it.

To my non-grieving people: Stop critizing grieving people for what they do with their money- you are so lucky you have no idea and you can’t relate. The only time you should intervene is if they are about to lose their house or something of the like, which isn’t a common thing so just be quiet.

To my grieving people: If it’s in your Amazon Prime cart, just proceed to checkout.

Dear Heart Recipient, 

My name is Rochelle and you have my husband Jesse’s heart. 

Jesse and I started dating when I was 18. We were together for 13 years and reside in Florida. In those 13 years prior to his untimely death, we had four children. One of which I was pregnant with when he passed.

Jesse was known for being a good father, above anything else. He had three daughters and one son. His two older girls he treated like princesses. He spent an hour at night tucking them in and would play dolls with them whenever they wanted. With his son, he built STEM projects with him weekly. It is still my son’sfavorite thing to do, but it’s different now. He would have adored his last daughter, I know it. 

It has been difficult without him. It is hard to give that same attention to the children that he gave. It is even harder to see the pain in their faces and know I cannot do anything about it. 

I became a solo mother and widow at 30, this isn’t really how I planned my life. Writing this letter isn’t something I thought I would ever do, yet here I am. 

I figured it is important to tell you whose heart you have. Jesse was a property manager. He loved video games and writing. He loved movies and especially critiquing those films. He was an excellent cook. I suppose you could say he was a jack of all trades. When he did decide to do something, he made sure it was done perfectly. He was also well liked. Everyone loved him and he had no enemies. I know that is often said about people when they pass but it was true for him.

He didn’t have much as in money or material items, but he was always the first to give what he did have away. I remember one time when we were younger spending our last $10 at a Burger King for lunch, he picked up our order, only to instantly walk away from me and give his food to a homeless man outside. He did that all the time. Another time it was his sandals, right off ofhis feet. He really took the phrase “I will give the shirt off my back,” quite literally. 

First it was food, then sandals, then a whole heart. 

When I was asked in the hospital if we should donate his organs, I was reluctant. The truth is, I am on the sad side of this. Agreeing to donate his organs was surprisingly painful. It feels like betrayal. My immediate emotion was no, I had to protect Jesse, I couldn’t let someone do that to him. But within a second, I changed my mind. This wasn’t my choice- it was Jesse’s, and he had made it very clear to me to donate everything he could. So that’s what we did.

The timing was interesting, poetic almost. It was Christmas Eve for us when we walked him back to the operating room. His family was with him and we all cried as he was pulled away from us at 11:50 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Then we had to turn and walk away. I looked at my phone as I exited the hospital in disbelief… 12:00 a.m…. and I said Merry Christmas to you, in my head. 

Luckily, I have a close friend who’s father received a donated heart. She was able to tell me her side of it, as the donee. She told me how it changed her father’s life and that he got a second chance to live, which he does to the fullest. I see his photos and I can see the gratitude and joy for life in his family’s face. I am happy my friend’s father gets to spend more time with her and his grandchildren. 

I am happy for you, that you were able to continue living and do whatever it is that you enjoy to do. 

My hope is that you will respond to this letter. I would love to know who has my husband’s heart. I would love to know about you, but I also understand if you are unable to respond. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

Sincerely, Rochelle

Today you have been dead for one entire year.

I am living this reality but I still don’t really believe it. My brain has tried to convince me I made you up and I magically jumped from being 18 to 31. Any evidence in between isn’t validated by the person who saw me every day.

You have missed out on so much and I often spend a lot of time grieving all of the things you can no longer do. Big and small. So I did my *favorite thing*, and made a list:

1. You missed Chloe’s 11th birthday.
2. You missed Wren’s birth.
3. You missed Oraia’s 9th birthday.
4. You missed Raiden’s 7th birthday.
5. You missed The Office, I know we tried to watch it and didn’t get hooked. But I finally watched it and it’s hilarious. I think you would have loved it.
6. You missed me shoving coffee grounds in your face on Saturdays and telling you to smell them.
7. You missed seeing who came to my rescue when I lost you, I was surprised at who came.
8. You missed seeing who abandoned us, I’m not sure if that’s so surprising.
9. You missed the kids swimming with fish and stingrays. Discovery Cove is such a cool place.
10. The hotel had a lot fun things to do too, like a giant chess set.
11. You missed Raiden having a melt down at Sea World. We stayed for 20 minutes and left. It was crazy. Our child wasn’t happy at a theme park.
12. You missed one of our children’s new medical diagnosis. It sucked to hear. I cried. It sucked dealing with your death and then shortly after being alone and hearing this problem alone.
13. Meki got married. I went up to Georgia and was one of her bridesmaids. It was a nice night.
14. Sarah got married too. It’s crazy I ended up having so much in common with her.
15. You missed us getting a fence. Remember how bad we wanted one? It’s the one I wanted- not the one you wanted, sorry.
16. You didn’t get to see my law school headshots. They came out really nice. I know you would have thought they were so cool.
17. You missed Wren’s first word. It was dada.
18. A bunch of Marvel movies came out, I think you would have liked some, you also would have critiqued them.
19. You missed playing Dungeons and Dragons. Cool stuff came out. I wish I could get it for you.
20. Kim and I set up your desk. You never got to use it. You would have loved it- all of your D&D books, figs, paints, lights, tools. Its so cool. But it just sits there. Empty.
21. You didn’t get to tell us the end of our D&D campaign. We will never know what happened.
22. The kids finally saw mountains.
23. They also explored Savannah and ate at a pirate house.
24. The kids went to an apple orchard in the Carolinas.
25. Biden became president. You don’t care much for politics but you didn’t know the outcome.
26. COVID died down, but then kinda came back.
27. The kids also saw a waterfall.
28. You missed dressing up for Halloween.
29. You missed Thanksgiving, I did all the cooking.
30. You missed New Years. We still got Chinese food but it was really quiet.
31. You missed our annual Summer party.
32. I wish I could tell you that I’m dating Scott. You would never believe it. He is really awesome.
33. I actually broke my phone for once and had to get a new one. So not like me.
34. Your co-worker is really awesome too. Hilarious actually.
35. You cant use Fabuloso on the floors anymore, that was your favorite cleaner.
36. You missed bacon.
37. You missed all of those horrible foods you like. Like gas station chicken wings. Gross.
38. You missed cooking. No more gourmet eggs or whipped coffees. Certainly no more beef Wellington, that one is too hard.
39. You missed sleeping in bed with clean sheets.
40. You missed us getting a bigger, more reliable car.
41. You missed taking the car in to be fixed. That’s not fun, but it doesn’t matter. Life can be very vibrant and you aren’t here for any of it.
42. You missed sitting in a theater.
43. You missed seeing our older children take care of Wren. I was so hurt the other day realizing you never saw Raiden as a big brother.
44. You missed all of Wren’s outfits. I dress her just like I said I would. I put the biggest bows on her head. It is ridiculous.
45. You missed seeing Wren in ads. It never gets old.
46. You missed Kim’s birthday. It was 3 days after you died. I don’t even think she remembered it.
47. You missed your friends. They all miss you. So much. I got so many messages. You were important.
48. Trevor Moore, from Whitest Kids You Know, died. Many deaths Im indifferent to honestly, but that one stung. Another piece of us, gone. That show was great.
49. You missed taking down the Christmas decorations. I left them up almost an entire year.
50. You missed doing Christmas cookies.
51. You missed me writing publicly. I finally did it. I thought I’d write about world topics, religion, politics. You missed that I write about grief and addiction.
52. You missed getting family photos done. They came out nice, but it was weird to do it alone.
53. You missed running. Cardio sucks. But you can’t run. You can’t move. It’s just nothing.
54. You missed joining a gym with me.
55. You missed eating healthy.
56. You missed eating.
57. You missed Wren crawling.
58. You missed Wren eating her first food.
59. You missed Wren.
60. You missed me thanking you for my Christmas gifts. I still haven’t opened the espresso machine but I hope I can soon.
61. You missed me getting the floor tiled. That nasty carpet is gone. It looks so much better and is so much more functional with 4 kids and 4 cats. When the carpet was removed I cried when I realized last second that I’d never see the stain you left in it from your coffee.
62. You missed your nephew being born. You would have been elated. He has so much hair.
63. You missed Chloe going to middle school.
64. You missed all this new music I found. Yes it’s a bunch of indie stuff.
65. You missed watching anime with me. I think you would have liked Re:Zero, or Junitaisen.
66. You missed me returning to my old self and not putting up with bullshit anymore. Honestly it’s one of the positives.
67. You missed me failing a class. Yep I actually failed one finally.
68. You don’t know my new friends, the widows. I have a lot of them. At first I thought I was some unique anomaly but now that I’ve surrounded myself with death its so normal to me. I’m normal.
69. Did you know we were on the receiving end of a charity? Man that doesn’t feel great let me tell you. I’m glad we have them but I always wish I could be on the giving end.
70. I wish you could see how important you were. I think it kills me that your inner voice convinced you that you were worthless. Why did it do that? I wish you could have seen your kids without you. They need you.
71. You missed me getting everything you said I needed, that you couldn’t do. Just basic things. I’m sorry you were right and I hate that for you. I still don’t understand why you, and others like you, could not overcome your sickness.
72. You missed Scott taking care of us. A decent amount of people think it’s disrespectful but I honestly can’t think of a better alternative. You would want that more than anything else.

There’s so much more than this. These are just things I came up with quickly.

Every facet that you are missing that goes unaccounted for. It’s overwhelming at times.

I still do not feel as though this is real. Maybe I will soon.

I don’t have much reflection after a year besides the fact that absolutely nothing matters, in reality. Nothing really matters. But it also matters a ton.

Very confusing to be stuck between two extremes.

But that’s where I live now, in between extremes. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am also the saddest I have ever been. I just carry on through my day like this.

Extremes.

So far today I made it to the gym. I’m writing this on the treadmill. Pretending to be normal.

But I actually feel like I’m wearing a bright neon shirt that says:

“HEY EVERYONE MY HUSBAND DIED TODAY LAST YEAR! YEP TODAYS THE DAY! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER!!”

But for some reason everyone is blind. So no one can see this shirt but me. But I swear im wearing it. At least that’s how it feels.

I think that’s how it feels.

I see you.

Hundreds of you, all saying the same thing:

“I am afraid of…”

What are you afraid of?

Finding your husband dead? Getting that phone call that he is gone? Seeing him as ashes or cold to the touch? Realizing that the entire life you planned with him is completely gone?

As a widow, I have been judged for so many different things that it becomes mind numbing at some point. How so many non-widows could even think they know better than I do.

So I am here to simply say:

Do what you are afraid of.

Nothing is worse than what you already went through.

Your husband died 5 months ago and you want to date his best friend? Do it.

You want to take your wedding ring off but it hasn’t even been a year? Do it.

You want to post about being happy? Do it.

You don’t want to move any of his belongings? Don’t do it!

You never want another man to touch you? Don’t do it!

If anyone knows the cliche saying “life is too short” it is the young widow.

Do what you want or do nothing at all, but do not let the people who have never experienced the pain of your body being ripped in half tell you how to proceed as a whole.

Any non-widow who “knows how they would feel,” has no idea.

They only *think* they know how they would feel. They don’t know the twist and turns of grief. They don’t know what it is like to have someone by your side every day, then in a snap have no one. Like it was never there.

So when you do find a glimpse of happiness somewhere, take it.

You deserve it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t still grieving, it means you actually know how quickly life can change and want to savor this small moment before pain hits again.

You have already suffered enough. You deserve anything that brings you some happiness.

When people think of a personality disorder I think they think of a moody woman that isn’t stable. That’s what I thought anyway.

That’s only a small portion of them though. A personality disorder is really just an observation that the person isn’t “meeting societal norms.”

They are different, literally. Sometimes this amounts to good qualities, sometimes bad.

So I have one of those. It’s called obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) and it is NOT the same as OCD. OCD is generally something that is created later in life, I’ve had mine since I was born. In fact, a lot of people in my family do whether they want to get help for it or not. Also people with OCD recognize their behavior is off whereas people with OCPD generally do not. I didn’t, until I met Jesse. Jesse helped me a lot with this. I am glad he helped me work through it.

I was pretty upset when I was told by my doctor I had that. Who the fuck wants a personality disorder!?! But Jesse simply said it was more of a superpower than anything else.

So here’s what it is (via iocdf.org)

1. Rigid adherence to rules and regulations.
2. An overwhelming need for order.
3. Unwillingness to yield or give responsibilities to others.
4. A sense of righteousness about the way things “should be done.”

There’s a lot more to it than this, but this is a basic outline to what it is. Listening to the rules doesn’t sound too bad, but it is when you obsess over them and create your own. It’s bad when thats all you think about. Or you work a 20 hour day to meet the requirements of how things should be done and refuse help.

So for me, my sense of righteousness is an obsession with morality and honesty, hence my blogs on killing myself and sleeping with Jesse’s friend… and now my medical diagnoses. To me righteousness means being as candid as possible because that is how people progress. Think about it, anything that has ever changed was because of someone speaking up, not being silent. Because of someone telling the truth even when no one wanted to hear it or agreed. Doing the objectively right thing is something I always obsess over also. Popular and right are not the same. I have learned though that sometimes an objective right is hard to spot.

I do not like, but have had to, let others help me. I prefer to do tasks my way. Catch me on a bad day and I might be upset about how someone folded a towel. Do it perfectly or don’t do it. I don’t delegate many tasks out because I do not trust that it will be done correctly. I only delegate tasks if the person has “proven” to me that they don’t cut corners. So far this leaves my daughter Chloe and my friend Stephanie. Not a long list of trust going on.

Things must be in order. Chaos is horrible. I prefer things to be consistent and pretty much predictable. I want to stick to a schedule. That schedule is usually intense also. When I only had one child, part of our morning routine was to learn words in Mandarin and Spanish. So ridiculous. Who has time for that. Not me.

For the most part, I also like to follow rules. I love rules. This is probably why I love law. There is a caveat to this though, rules do not trump morality for me. At my Catholic law school we are told over and over a law that is not just is no law at all. This is a simplified version of what Thomas Aquinas said and I fully agree. Laws must be just. If they are not just, they should not be laws. So morality trumps listening to every rule, unless it is a just rule.

It is also an obsession with perfectionism and control. Two things I have clearly failed at.

Keeping Jesse alive? Fail.

Keeping Jesse sober? Also fail, but win, but fail, but also win, win, win, win, fail. Oh that’s right, *reminder to self* I do NOT have control over that.

I have applied my principles of morality/perfectionism/etc. to everything in life and it’s very clear if you look at things I’ve done.

Such as:

• Commute to and from my home to my undergrad college (University of Florida) which was an 8 hour round trip twice a week with a small child and pregnant. I did this for 2 years to earn my bachelors.
• After all 4 C-sections (From age 19-31) I have been back on the move, either to work, school, or soccer practice within 4 days of surgery.
• Going to law school with 3 little kids and a husband in an active nasty addiction. Spend countless hours running a house, taking 18 credit hours, and figuring out how to get Jesse sober (more to come on this). All of this and I would still occasionally make the highest score on exams out of all 97ish students.
• Continuing law school 2 weeks after Jesse died, giving birth in the middle of the semester to a fatherless child, and only failing one class.

You get the idea. Sometimes people say to me “Wow that is so impressive, how do you do it?” and I just want to reply “Thanks! It’s personality disorder.” But I also don’t want to scare them so I remain quiet.

My personality doesn’t allow for rest, to me that is imperfect. That’s another reason I am in therapy because being a workaholic doesn’t help anyone (but it also doesn’t kill anyone so stop blaming me for Jesse’s death lol). This standard I only apply to myself, not others. I am actually understanding of others to a fault. This is why I was able to love and live with a bipolar addict for 13 years. He had so much good in there.

Jesse and therapy helped make me a little more balanced, but also it’s inherent. Which means no matter how hard I try those things in my personality just kind of stick even though I try to water them down.

So what does this have to do with grief?

Everything.

Grief has “rules” to get better. These rules give some sort of control over grieving. Sounds good to me.

So I looked up the rules to recovery. The things I needed to do if I had any chance of not rotting away to nothing, and literally did as many as I possibly could. Even if it met it hurt (note: they all hurt). Because for months I woke up every morning questioning why I am still here. I wanted to just stay in bed and not leave it. Not go take care of the kids. Alone. Again. And again. And again for eternity.

Every one had their normal life but mine was fucked. No one saw Jesse enough besides us to hurt 24/7. They could pretend. We couldn’t.

I should have caught on early that I was trying to “win at grief,’ but of course I didn’t. I almost didn’t even publish my website because I knew I’d have spelling errors. I literally just had to say “Fuck it. That’s stupid Rochelle. Just publish it.” You aren’t a perfect person get over yourself.

I am about to do another list, which is a major red flag of OCPD, see the trend here? I am obsessed with list.

How do you objectively “win at grief”? Well first I had to read everything I could get my hands on from self help books to Japanese poetry on death, every article I could find, speak to every widow I could talk to and here’s my list my OCPD came up with:

1. You need support: This doesn’t mean for a day, it means for months with a reassurance of forever. Support is being able to say “Damn this hurts” and people tell you “yes it does I am sorry.” Not diminish or try to make the pain prettier. It also means that the griever needs to also be able to recognize that support looks different from everyone. One of my attorney friends supported me by helping me fill out my BAR application, but she probably wouldn’t have done so hot watching all of my kids and a newborn. My mom isn’t even a widow yet, so she had no advice, but she could help with Wren really well. People can help, it just needs to be in a way that makes sense to them too.
2. Get a good therapist: This one is hard. I luckily had already found mine. But consistent therapy helps figure out what is going on, what has happened, and what may happen. Having a plan and knowing what you are doing is normal is extremely important. My therapist and I are currently discussing how everything could crash at any given moment and what would lead up to it.
3. Read everything: All of my severed relationships only surprised others, they did NOT surprise me. Any grief book essentially tells you how predicatable all of it is. So with that information you should work to be aware and prevent. If no one wants to meet you half way then cut ties.
4. Make yourself do things: I hated this one. My therapist told me I had to do this. I barely would even shower, but he wanted me to go get my nails done? Ugh. No. Luckily I had an awesome friend that didn’t really ask my opinion she just booked a massage for me. I had to go and it helped.
5. Protect your energy: Advice from the same friend. If it’s depleting your mental health get rid of it. There’s no more time to waste. If you feel uncomfortable, sad, angry do your best to pinpoint the cause and eliminate it. Cleanse yourself of bad habits and damaging people.
6. Talk/Write: I see so many widows say “oh my God, so this is weird but…. Is that normal??” I’ve never seen a “no thats not normal” answer. Its kind of like when you see a funny video and you thought you were the only one who did that but it turns out everyone did. So speak up. While we are all unique we are also incredibly the same. Don’t be afraid. Just say it.
7. Let yourself feel things: Be angry. Be sad. Positive vibes only aren’t real and they suck. Sometimes you have to have other emotions. Just don’t take them out on others.
8. Organize your life: All those silly things we hear over and over again like exercise and eat right? Do them. Make a schedule. Plan out family game nights and stick to them (however much of your family isn’t dead, invite them over).
9. Improve everything around you: I’ve always liked doing yard work but now I find “projects” to do outside. Mulch an area, garden, clean the garage out. Inside my house is the same. I do not have a brand new house so there is always something to work on. Improve people around you by helping them if you are able to.
10. Do things you wouldn’t do: I pretty much said fuck it and just came up with more “chores” for myself. One of these was publishing a blog. Another one was making Wren a TikTok and IG account where I focus on her life, travels, outfits. It’s like another hobby and distraction for myself. Also, I figured since I couldn’t give her a dad I may as well give her somewhat of a privileged life. I am trying to so that with all the kids, within reason.
11. Do what you want: Widows are judged no matter what they do. So just go do it. If it makes you happy screw everyone else. You already went through the worst thing.

By giving all these “tips” I am in no way trying to be a grief coach. I’m simply writing out what has helped me thus far. This is the list that my compulsive personality came up with and if I do all these things I might be perfect at grief. (Obviously not true, my mind just thinks I have control over everything).

Grief isn’t linear. So while I am doing better as I write this I could also relapse and be right back at square one. Grief just blows. But since I’ve been doing a little better I figured I’d take the opportunity to talk about my OCPD and how it impacts my grieving.

Oh.

And I figured I’d mention the OCPD because if I have to start getting into the reality of addiction, unhealthy family dynamics, abuse, suppression of traumas and all other things that aren’t too great, I should probably explain my problems first.

Which I don’t mind doing.

When Jesse died during the end of December 2020 I was taking a two hour credit course during the “break,” about legal writing.

That day I turned in my assignment with anxiety over it and planned to tell Jesse about it later that night. I didn’t get a chance to though.

I told my school the next day what happened and literally could not have cared less about that class. I have always obsessively worried about my grades, classes, etc, but I obviously didn’t care.

Spring semester was close. It started around the first week of January and my options were take the semester off and grieve or return to school.

I chose to go back even though Jesse had only been gone for two weeks. I did this because I needed to be overwhelmed. It sounds crazy but the busier I was the more options I had to distract myself.

To graduate law school I needed to pass:

• The legal writing class (yes, I totally forgot the real name #widowfog).
• Family Law
• Labor Law practicum
• Advanced Legal Analysis: ALA (a bar prep class)
• Right to life (a class about pulling the cord. PERFECT for what I just went through)
• The MPRE (multistate professional responsibility exam)

That was a lot to do while grieving and delivering a baby. I cried every night and took 29 baths a day. I tried to get to class. Some days I didn’t because I had 1 hour of sleep and a newborn. But my goal was to pass ONE of those 6 classes/exams. I thought if I can just make SOME progress I will be okay with that and be kind to myself. My mom helped me the most with a few close friends and my sil/bil.

Despite trying, my brain was blurred. The passion and intensity I had for the law was so dulled down. I didn’t care. Who cares about laws we made up? Nothing matters. Everything is now irrelevant and stupid.

But I kept at it because no matter how badly I didn’t care, I didn’t need to make it worse for the kids. The last thing they needed was a depressed jobless mom on top of all the bullshit they already encountered.

My school isn’t a huge university and I am so glad its not. It is very close knit and my classmates backed up their words when they said “we are here for you.”

In all of my classes I had a friend or two who broke down the law, helped me remember it, studied with me, even came over to hold the baby while I jotted notes down.

So I ended up passing all the classes but two. I failed ALA and I gave up on the writing class. The writing class I just couldn’t resume because Jesse died in the middle of an assignment and every time I started the assignment thats what I thought about.

I tried as best I could in ALA but I was so exhausted I would sleep in. At that point in time my son was also at his absolute worse. My life was just total chaos. I wish someone could have filmed it because words don’t do it justice. Plus family drama, but really that was the least of my worries.. it was more of an added “what the fuck.”

I couldn’t sleep because of my anxiety. But I was so tired. My son had angry outburst. My daughter intensely cried all the time and my other daughter rushed around trying to fix everyone, forgetting about herself. Toss in a newborn. Csection recovery. 5 animals. Soccer and dance practice. School during covid. Death related documents kept piling up. The house was disgusting. I just wanted to die.

So I failed. Two classes out of the 6 things I needed to pass. I call that a win though.

I need 90 credits to get my JD and I have 84.

My school let me walk with my class and I got to take pictures. Now I have to pass these two remaining classes. (grades are posted AFTER graduation but I knew I was going to fail at least 1 thing so it wasn’t a surprise).

Am I worried about failing again?

Absolutely. My fire is starting to come back a bit but its not like it was. I still have days where I am extremely down.

To me, there was no good reason to take time off. Will it be trying to get through holidays without Jesse? God yes. I’m terrified but it will *always* be trying.

In fact most widows say year 2 is worse because thats when you realize “Shit. This isn’t changing. He is really dead.”

So if I took my time, that would be two years of me delaying law school for my grief. I was afraid if I stopped I would never go back. There really will never be a perfect time to resume. Something will always suck.

So now I am in school again, trying to finish these last two classes and if I do, hopefully pass the bar exam. A part of me wants to wither away to nothing and just stare at the sky while I ignore all of my responsibilities but I have 4 kids that did nothing wrong and have dealt with more shit than some adults. They deserve the best me I can be despite this insane chaos.

Hopefully using them as my focus I can pass these two remaining classes and get my JD.

*Excuse any typos. I penned this from my phone as I waited in the car line for my 17 kids to get out of school. Did you know typos and mis-spellings don’t matter? Honestly. At the end of the day we are going to die. And soon. No one will remember if we used the correct “there” or not. So while it may be important to be perfect in my professional life, here I don’t care.

The 7 month mark for us is July.

I can’t believe I haven’t spoken to Jesse since before Christmas. I can’t believe he’s been somewhere else or no where else for more than half of a year. What has he been doing? Where is he?

I am still hurting but my feelings are in different places. I know I won’t ever get over it. It will only change. And it has. So I guess I will mark here those changes.

I’m trying really hard to take down my Christmas decor. I have made progress, but I can only chip away at things. To take everything down at once is much too overwhelming. When I move around or put back too many of Jesse’s things at once I always have a melt down.

This means if Jesse left out a pen, it is challenging for me to put it back where the pens go. I am erasing evidence of his existence.

So that leaves us stuck in Christmas.

Take the artwork off of the fridge. Take December’s dinner menu down. Take the garland from the top of the cabinets.

Take the lights off of the front of the house.

People who drive by probably think we are lazy. “Those people still have their Christmas lights up and it’s July!”

But that’s one of the last things Jesse did. Sure the lights are starting to fall off but they are still hanging, for now.

It sounds strange but by taking photos and writing and I am able to take a bit more down. Putting it here is evidence of its existence. I am securing it’s memory.

Evidence that Jesse was here at one point and I didn’t just make him up. Because it certainly feels as though I made him up.

My best friend and I often speak about being frozen on the day he died. She is 30 and I am now 31, but when asked our ages we automatically say “29” in her case or “30” in my case. Our birthdays never happened.

Lately I have been having more secondary grief. I am grieving a lot for things that Jesse is missing out on. Things he should have done but was not able to.

I have a few select memories in my head that I have chosen to torture myself with frequently.

Here’s one of my favorites:

He’s been up all night. He never slept well. He gets up at 5am. Gets ready and leaves. He’s working by 6:30am, all day outside. He’s driving to work and wishing he could stay home. He has an hour drive. He has no idea he’s about to die that day.

Most days he is depressed now, really only the kids and I make him happy. He feels like he is failing. He feels like he cannot take a day off, we need the money. I text him around 11 in the afternoon. I tell him “next year will be good for us. I will graduate, it won’t be so stressful, just 6 more months.”

He’s about to die in 5 hours. He has no idea.

Around 3 in the afternoon he’s headed to the house. He’s North on U.S. 41. He has no idea in about an hour he will be headed South on U.S. 41, back to the hospital he just passed.

He’s driven some now. The AC is out in our old car. It’s really hot. He’s worked all day, he’s dirty, sweaty, and there’s no AC in his car. He is 5 minutes from the house, I wonder if he felt excited to get home at some point?

But in reality he’s about to die in 10 minutes. He has absolutely no idea.

I have the police report. I saw his x-rays. His head. The trajectory of his vehicle. The notes that it was a struggle for the paramedics to get him out.

He has no idea he’s about to snap his right femur clean. That his lungs will fill with blood. That his brain will swell. That his head will separate from the rest of his body. That his car will flip twice. That he will never see us again. Or anyone for that matter.

This grief is strange because I am longing for him to take a shower. To sit in the AC. To have his dinner. Brush his teeth. Something. Lay in bed and feel calm.

He doesn’t get to do anything. He can’t lay in bed after an exhausting day. He can’t play his game or listen to his favorite podcast. He died after working all day. Not rested. Sad. Sweaty. Exhausted. In his Google search history the last thing he looked up was “pain on left side.” I hate how he died. He was uncomfortable.

It really bothers me.

I am envious of those who die in the comfort of their bed. Yet I know so many widows… that I know that brings it’s own unique horrible issues too. There really isn’t a good outcome. I just think. A lot.

I think about this every day. I’m not sure why I engage in this self torture. It is likely my OCD. (That is what OCD is, torturous repetitive thoughts… NOT cleaning!)

The other thing that I am struggling with is anger. I’ve been pretty neutral (and by neutral I mean = namaste bitches) but I feel like I don’t want to do that anymore.

When I try to leave the house and it’s hot as shit outside, Wren is screaming, my back hurts, she has vomited everywhere, I forgot something… I find myself angry with Jesse.

It is super irrational. I know this. He didn’t want to die, but when I am at my wits end, my anger gets pointed to him as in:

“Thanks for fucking leaving me with 4 kids to raise alone! Like really alone! You’re an asshole for dying!!!!”

I had help here and there, but that daily grind? That’s all me. There is no dropping the kids off at Dads on Saturday. Its me. 24/7.

I have no true anger towards Jesse, just heightened emotional states. I wait until these pass because I know he didn’t do anything wrong, it was just life sucking.

I do have anger towards “family” though. It is weird much of my support came from friends. Most of the judgement came from select family members. The special ones.

Jesse did me a favor when he was alive and taught me how to chill out. He taught me how to let it go. Or suppress it. Whatever.

But maybe I don’t want to do that anymore. Theres a fine line between letting it go and letting people treat you like shit. I’ve never been one to be quiet but out of some sort of weird respect for Jesse I learned to be quiet.

Sometimes.

And I’ve been the fan favorite since Jesse died. Not to people with any class though. It seems there is a common theme of mentally unstable people commenting about what I do or don’t do.

That anger is real. It’s not a heightened emotional state. Its more of a be careful because I see you and I will eventually verbally wreck you, watch your damn self state. Be careful I don’t post a blog and tag your asses state.

Do I actually care what people say about me? No. Because it’s either not true… or maybe it is true… but it’s that malicious intent. That desire to kick me when I am already down. That is what doesn’t sit right with me. The fake support to my face and then behind my back criticism.

Let’s hear it:

“She’s not even a widow. Lol.”

“She stressed Jesse out sooo much!”

“She did WHAT with the money! Omg!”

“Her new boyfriend? Yeah. She started seeing him only 5 months after Jesse died. They won’t last. She doesn’t really know him.”

“Her relationship with Jesse wasn’t perfect, yet she is always acting like it is.”

“And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don’t be fooled. She may seem like your typical selfish back stabbing slut-faced hoe bag, but in reality, she is so much more than that..”

*Okay so maybe that last one is a quote from the movie “Mean Girls.” It just felt appropriate but it is really totally irrelevant.*

Rarely is anything ever said to me. When it is, I gain respect for that person. Like I said, it’s not the thoughts, it’s the intent. It’s the fakeness. It repulses me and always has. Opinions are fine. Gossipy shit talking and weird displays of behavior are not.

I guess it is the human problem. The Freudian “id” if you will. That primitive nature to pin someone as a scape goat. The lack of a higher awareness to not do it. To make an attempt, a poor one, to hurt someone who is already hurting.. that is already so tired.

It is disturbing, yet…

common. Most widows deal with this at one point or another. The criticism.

For now, things have “changed,” as in I obsess over the unfairness of all of it and have allowed my anger to begin to come out. It’s not a stage. I am not in the anger stage.

The “stages of grief” model that nearly everyone knows is inaccurate. I could resolve my anger but it may pop up again in two years or two seconds.

Grief makes emotions go all over the place and frequently at that. I keep them in check but allow them to do as they need.

If your child has a nut allergy schools will at minimum make an attempt to shield your child from it. Even if it’s a poor attempt they ultimately wouldn’t want a physical liability on their hands.

What about if your child has a dead father? Or maybe their father died when they were very young or before they were born? Or while I’m there, an absent father? Or maybe you aren’t too great of a mother and have filled your child’s head with lies about their dad?

What about those kids?

Are there warning signs posted for them? Does the class have to pay attention to this child’s specific needs? No. because these needs are “mental”…except they aren’t because there are physical responses to grieving too.

The physical response is different but nonetheless becomes physical. One child has a potential to suffer from anaphylaxis. This is terrifying, so we pay attention. A grieving child is different. They lash out in ways we don’t understand, like you know, by holding a knife to their throat or laying in the street begging to be ran over by a car or crying in their room for hours or not saying a word.

But fuck those kids, am I right?!

Make them sit among their peers and sketch out things they love about their father with a shitty Crayola marker. Make sure you talk about their father ALL day. Hype them up ALL WEEK for Father’s day crafts.

Make sure you ask them and talk about what they love about their dad and what they are doing for the summer with their dad. Do this in front of the class.

Really rub it in their face and do it every year, please. Do it so much they have to learn to numb themselves so it doesn’t hurt as bad and become emotionally detached adults.

Really give yourself a gold star when you realize they don’t have a dad and you suggest with a smile “oh well I’m sure there is someone you could make a card for? there’s an uncle…or grandpa even? SOMEONE has to have a penis that you know right!?!”

Pat them on the head and feel good about yourself as you walk away because your job is done. That child is cured. Why didn’t I think of the replacement penis idea!? Profound accomplishment.

Can you tell its not the same or should I become more vulgar?

And no, this is in no way similar to a grieving exercise during group counseling. (Because those kids share a common thread=dead parent. They aren’t surrounded by reminders of living parents.)

A father is a special person, no doubt. When my life wasn’t a shitty Netflix series, or a compelling HBO drama, or a Lifetime movie, we did Father’s day crafts too.

But this was always in the back of my head. I just didn’t say anything. I tried to be sensitive when I noticed it, but I was so clueless of the silent chaos.

Since I am well aware of the chaos that ensues behind those little faces when they return home, I must say:

Fuck father’s day. Really fuck this day. Maybe year 5 of grieving for us we will do something cute and “remember the good times” but for us, in year one. Fuck it.

Here’s a crazy idea. It’s wild but hear me out. Respect and honor your father, if you have one, every day. Be thankful if he dotes over you, protects you, or hell, even says hi to you.

At this point we would take anything. This post won’t eliminate father’s day from the world and I am so ignorant in my grief that I don’t have a better idea on how to go about that day for my kids. But I guess I’ll learn how to navigate that one too.

Learn all this shit I really don’t want to learn.