For 10 years we have done the same thing, but today will be different, like all days are now.
I will probably clean afterwards. That’s all I really do now. I will wait to go to my mom’s then your moms for lunch and dinner. Even though we are all your family, I am the only one that shows up alone and leaves alone. Sits alone. Thinks alone. I am spoken to, but it is not the same.
I will fill plastic eggs at night with candy, but you won’t be watching the door to make sure no one sneaks in. I will wake up at 7 and instead of distracting the kids while you put the eggs in the yard, I will have to do both.
I will watch the kids open up their Easter basket alone. Only two pieces of candy right Jess?
I want you to split the work of getting the kids plates with me. I want you to sit next to me at dinner. I want you and I to walk away from everyone and be by ourselves at some point. I want you to hug me or at least smile at me. I am tired of locking my eyes into my phone at every event because I am so hollow.
I will then drive 4 children back to our home alone. Walk in alone. Get them ready for bed alone.
When the kids are asleep, I will take my zoloft and go to bed, alone. I will stare at the ceiling alone and think of you alone until I am too tired and finally fall asleep.
I hate that we are both alone and there is a barrier between us. A permanent one that I cannot find. One where you are in complete isolation alone and I am surrounded by people alone.
I am glad the kids have each other, so they are not as alone.
2 thoughts on “Easter.”
Alone I understand. I have no memories of such happiness to draw upon. I just ate my tuna
potato patties standing up at the kitchen counter right out of the frying pan alone. This is my
existence and you are not alone under the same circumstances as many these days. The
absence of Jessie’s presence must be a hollow feeling inside but even you said he is alone so
he must be in heaven watching over you and the children. Do the Jessie bunny pad-print with
the flour that should be a nice reminder of his presence in the morning. That is a good one.
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I honestly hope he is… but I feel like I’ll never actually know.
I am sorry for your loneliness.. it is so confusing. Truly…