Do you see me?

Did you see me return to school today and not do a good job? I tried. At least I signed in. I even took some notes. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Did you see me fall to the floor twice now like I had been shot in the chest, but it was just pain and tears?

Did you see O wake up last night, from her millionth nightmare? She would always find you at night to make herself feel better and now she comes to me. Do I hold up? I am trying really hard. The kids are exhausting me but I am trying. They are trying too.

Do you see my anger? When I go to counseling do you hear me curse your name? I shouldn’t be there. It’s not for our family. Grief counseling is for other people. Not us. They are the “other,” not us. We don’t want to be apart of that group. Why can we not pity them together like we used to? Why is it us now?

Did you see me think for hours about what to do with the new baby? I am having a c-section, it hurts to cough….how do I avoid hysterically crying? I don’t want physical pain too. Or maybe I do. Maybe the burning of the surgery would actually feel better than what I currently experience mentally every fucking second. Do you see me panicking as I try to figure out how to raise a child and explain to her that Daddy wanted to be here but he couldn’t? How do I make sense of that? How do I make sure she is treated like you are here, when she has never met you?

I ask why she doesn’t get to play dolls with you, she doesn’t get a special tuck in, or your perfect little swaddle you would put them in to get them to stop fussing. I won’t wrap her as snug. The photos spread out around the house of the five of us, what do I do with those? She isn’t in them. Do I keep them up so she knows you or do I take them down so she doesn’t feel left out? I have no idea. Do you hear me screaming at you how could you leave us like this?

I wonder if you heard our friend when she came over the other night, talking about her dad passing when she was young. She told me about things that always hurt. Did you hear her or did you hear your own kids? I heard our children’s voice through her. It’s painful, she is in her 30’s. She did tell me something else though. She brought up that quote “it is better to love and have lost than to not have loved at all.” She said she used to think that was a cliche post about breaking up. She said now she knows the author means they actually lost someone. Someone died. She and others have said to me that they still do not know what it’s like to be loved in that way. It’s flattering but I also hate it. Ignorance is bliss. If I just had a regular relationship where we were married but nothing super serious, I wouldn’t be in this much pain, right?

Did you see the text to your phone today from O that she loves and misses you? Did you see the show C wanted me to watch with her? I couldn’t handle it. I am so sensitive to even the silliest of things. Do you see me thinking that that if I write until my hands hurt you might come back?

I read that since your death was sudden, my grieving process is severely delayed. This sucks because I want it to be done with. I don’t want to be stuck here, it’s too uncomfortable. I cannot take any medications to numb myself. I cannot do anything to ease the pain, I have to feel every second of it. Why would you do this to me? Or to the kids? I know you didn’t actually know. But it’s confusing nonetheless. My brain is logical and wants to make sense of something illogical.

Everything is so arbitrary now. There is no meaning in anything. I am just turning into a robot that keeps my kids doing “well.” Purpose is pretty lost. There’s a lot of negativity here but I wonder if people really want the truth or if they want to “feel better.” I am not nor was I ever in the business of just making someone feel better. You loved that about me. When the cashier ask me how I am, I do him a solid and just nod my head once. It’s either that or he’s going to get a mouthful he didn’t ask for. But like I said, we want to hear that things are okay because to acknowledge certain aspects of reality is way too painful, so we pretend like all is well, until it’s not.

We are no different than animals. I said that prior to this but God do I feel it now. There is no hierarchy, we made it up. I am no different than a gazelle being chosen by a lion. Today our family wasn’t successful at the waterhole. There is nothing special about it. The lion didn’t choose us because of a reason, he chose us because he was hungry. That’s it. To argue that the gazelle was eaten by the lion because of a reason, or purpose unbeknownst to the gazelle is a coping mechanism. It would be cool but I believe it’s highly unlikely. The ant that we accidentally step on while walking out of our house wasn’t chosen by us. It just was.

Is that too uncomfortable? I suppose. Maybe I will find some beauty in things one day, but right now it’s bleak and to undo that would mean bringing you back, which isn’t happening.

I remember how we felt when each of our children were born. Totally the opposite of what I just wrote, we were definitely lions on those days. But we did discuss reality after the euphoria wore off. That we were just a splurge of random chemicals. We obviously hoped we were wrong, but how do I solidify that we were wrong after experiencing this?

It makes me wonder why we do anything pleasurable to be honest. I used to sing a lot. Why do people sing? I guess they are happy and blissfully unaware of what lies ahead. How did people get through times of war and famine? Or maybe a tsunami that kills millions? We shrug it off. We feel bad for a few days when we hear that children were killed at school, but then we return to normal life because we can’t do anything. It is interesting we spend such little time discussing concepts like these when they are the most interesting and complex (i.e. “never discuss religion, sex or politics,” who dared to even suggest such a thing? We should discuss it all.) A Facebook post of angry rants isn’t a discussion. So those don’t count. That’s just anger and confusion. Apparently something happened at the capitol a few days ago? It’s funny I normally would have had slight interest in this and now I have none. When your most important things are taken from you, you really realize how many things don’t matter.

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