Today you have been dead for one entire year.
I am living this reality but I still don’t really believe it. My brain has tried to convince me I made you up and I magically jumped from being 18 to 31. Any evidence in between isn’t validated by the person who saw me every day.
You have missed out on so much and I often spend a lot of time grieving all of the things you can no longer do. Big and small. So I did my *favorite thing*, and made a list:
- You missed Chloe’s 11th birthday.
- You missed Wren’s birth.
- You missed Oraia’s 9th birthday.
- You missed Raiden’s 7th birthday.
- You missed The Office, I know we tried to watch it and didn’t get hooked. But I finally watched it and it’s hilarious. I think you would have loved it.
- You missed me shoving coffee grounds in your face on Saturdays and telling you to smell them.
- You missed seeing who came to my rescue when I lost you, I was surprised at who came.
- You missed seeing who abandoned us, I’m not sure if that’s so surprising.
- You missed the kids swimming with fish and stingrays. Discovery Cove is such a cool place.
- The hotel had a lot fun things to do too, like a giant chess set.
- You missed Raiden having a melt down at Sea World. We stayed for 20 minutes and left. It was crazy. Our child wasn’t happy at a theme park.
- You missed one of our children’s new medical diagnosis. It sucked to hear. I cried. It sucked dealing with your death and then shortly after being alone and hearing this problem alone.
- Meki got married. I went up to Georgia and was one of her bridesmaids. It was a nice night.
- Sarah got married too. It’s crazy I ended up having so much in common with her.
- You missed us getting a fence. Remember how bad we wanted one? It’s the one I wanted- not the one you wanted, sorry.
- You didn’t get to see my law school headshots. They came out really nice. I know you would have thought they were so cool.
- You missed Wren’s first word. It was dada.
- A bunch of Marvel movies came out, I think you would have liked some, you also would have critiqued them.
- You missed playing Dungeons and Dragons. Cool stuff came out. I wish I could get it for you.
- Kim and I set up your desk. You never got to use it. You would have loved it- all of your D&D books, figs, paints, lights, tools. Its so cool. But it just sits there. Empty.
- You didn’t get to tell us the end of our D&D campaign. We will never know what happened.
- The kids finally saw mountains.
- They also explored Savannah and ate at a pirate house.
- The kids went to an apple orchard in the Carolinas.
- Biden became president. You don’t care much for politics but you didn’t know the outcome.
- COVID died down, but then kinda came back.
- The kids also saw a waterfall.
- You missed dressing up for Halloween.
- You missed Thanksgiving, I did all the cooking.
- You missed New Years. We still got Chinese food but it was really quiet.
- You missed our annual Summer party.
- I wish I could tell you that I’m dating Scott. You would never believe it. He is really awesome.
- I actually broke my phone for once and had to get a new one. So not like me.
- Your co-worker is really awesome too. Hilarious actually.
- You cant use Fabuloso on the floors anymore, that was your favorite cleaner.
- You missed bacon.
- You missed all of those horrible foods you like. Like gas station chicken wings. Gross.
- You missed cooking. No more gourmet eggs or whipped coffees. Certainly no more beef Wellington, that one is too hard.
- You missed sleeping in bed with clean sheets.
- You missed us getting a bigger, more reliable car.
- You missed taking the car in to be fixed. That’s not fun, but it doesn’t matter. Life can be very vibrant and you aren’t here for any of it.
- You missed sitting in a theater.
- You missed seeing our older children take care of Wren. I was so hurt the other day realizing you never saw Raiden as a big brother.
- You missed all of Wren’s outfits. I dress her just like I said I would. I put the biggest bows on her head. It is ridiculous.
- You missed seeing Wren in ads. It never gets old.
- You missed Kim’s birthday. It was 3 days after you died. I don’t even think she remembered it.
- You missed your friends. They all miss you. So much. I got so many messages. You were important.
- Trevor Moore, from Whitest Kids You Know, died. Many deaths Im indifferent to honestly, but that one stung. Another piece of us, gone. That show was great.
- You missed taking down the Christmas decorations. I left them up almost an entire year.
- You missed doing Christmas cookies.
- You missed me writing publicly. I finally did it. I thought I’d write about world topics, religion, politics. You missed that I write about grief and addiction.
- You missed getting family photos done. They came out nice, but it was weird to do it alone.
- You missed running. Cardio sucks. But you can’t run. You can’t move. It’s just nothing.
- You missed joining a gym with me.
- You missed eating healthy.
- You missed eating.
- You missed Wren crawling.
- You missed Wren eating her first food.
- You missed Wren.
- You missed me thanking you for my Christmas gifts. I still haven’t opened the espresso machine but I hope I can soon.
- You missed me getting the floor tiled. That nasty carpet is gone. It looks so much better and is so much more functional with 4 kids and 4 cats. When the carpet was removed I cried when I realized last second that I’d never see the stain you left in it from your coffee.
- You missed your nephew being born. You would have been elated. He has so much hair.
- You missed Chloe going to middle school.
- You missed all this new music I found. Yes it’s a bunch of indie stuff.
- You missed watching anime with me. I think you would have liked Re:Zero, or Junitaisen.
- You missed me returning to my old self and not putting up with bullshit anymore. Honestly it’s one of the positives.
- You missed me failing a class. Yep I actually failed one finally.
- You don’t know my new friends, the widows. I have a lot of them. At first I thought I was some unique anomaly but now that I’ve surrounded myself with death its so normal to me. I’m normal.
- Did you know we were on the receiving end of a charity? Man that doesn’t feel great let me tell you. I’m glad we have them but I always wish I could be on the giving end.
- I wish you could see how important you were. I think it kills me that your inner voice convinced you that you were worthless. Why did it do that? I wish you could have seen your kids without you. They need you.
- You missed me getting everything you said I needed, that you couldn’t do. Just basic things. I’m sorry you were right and I hate that for you. I still don’t understand why you, and others like you, could not overcome your sickness.
- You missed Scott taking care of us. A decent amount of people think it’s disrespectful but I honestly can’t think of a better alternative. You would want that more than anything else.
There’s so much more than this. These are just things I came up with quickly.
Every facet that you are missing that goes unaccounted for. It’s overwhelming at times.
I still do not feel as though this is real. Maybe I will soon.
I don’t have much reflection after a year besides the fact that absolutely nothing matters, in reality. Nothing really matters. But it also matters a ton.
Very confusing to be stuck between two extremes.
But that’s where I live now, in between extremes. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am also the saddest I have ever been. I just carry on through my day like this.
So far today I made it to the gym. I’m writing this on the treadmill. Pretending to be normal.
But I actually feel like I’m wearing a bright neon shirt that says:
“HEY EVERYONE MY HUSBAND DIED TODAY LAST YEAR! YEP TODAYS THE DAY! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER!!”
But for some reason everyone is blind. So no one can see this shirt but me. But I swear im wearing it. At least that’s how it feels.
I think that’s how it feels.